You know that mildly panicked feeling you get when you found out your friend’s mother just died and you really don’t know what to say?
你有沒有過這樣驚慌的經歷：你好友的母親不幸去世，她正沉浸在撕心裂肺的痛苦之中，你卻不知道如何去安慰她?
Breathe. It will be okay。
深呼吸，你能行的。
1. Not so good – “God will never give you more than you can handle。”
不要說：“上帝不會讓你承受更多苦難。”
Even if the person has a faith system that includes God, this phrase has the tacit implication that if you can’t handle things, you must not have enough faith, you’re a bad Christian, etc。
如果這個人對上帝有著很堅定的信仰，這句話就有了隱藏的含義：也就是說如果你處理不好這件事，你肯定是沒有堅定的信仰，不是虔誠的基督徒等等。
Better – “This must be so hard for you。”
不如說：“我知道你肯定非常難受。”
2. Not so good – “I’m sure it’s all for the best。”
不要說：“我想這一切可能是最好的結果。”
Ack! Try really hard not to say this! Right now, the grieving person doesn’t see that anything is for the best except to have her loved one back。
我的天，千萬別說這句話!這個沉浸在悲痛中的人并不覺得一切是好結果，除非她的至親能夠復活。
Better – “It’s hard to understand why these things happen。”
不如說：“真不知道為什么會發(fā)生這樣的事情。”
3. Not so good – Saying nothing at all。
不要：什么都不說。
This is actually one of the worst things that can happen to a grieving person: having people ignore his pain. If you’re not sure what to say, or are uncertain that the person wants to talk about it, it’s okay to say just that。
周圍的人忽視他的傷痛，這對傷痛的人來說可能是最壞的事情之一了。如果你不知道去說些什么，或者不確定他是否愿意聊這件事，那就直接說出來吧。
Better – “I’m not sure what to say but I want you to know I’m here for you。”
不如說：“我不知道該說些什么，你只要知道我一直都在你身邊。”
4. Not so good – “He’s in a better place” or “Just be happy he isn’t in pain anymore。”
不要說：“他去了更好的地方” 或 “開心點，他不再痛苦了。”
These things are always so well-intentioned, but ouch! The place the griever wants him to be is with her, no matter how much pain he was in or how difficult the caregiving was。
這些話的初衷的確是好的，但是悲痛者還是希望至親就在自己身邊，無論至親有著什么樣的痛苦或者無論照顧起來是多么的麻煩。
Better – “You must miss him terribly。”
不如說：“你肯定十分想念他。”
5. Not so good – “I know exactly how you feel。”
不要說：“我完全知道你的感受。”
This is very tempting to say, but be careful: Even if you have experienced a loss, each person has their own unique path to travel so you can’t know exactly how he feels。
我們總會說這句話，但是記住，即使你也失去過親人，但每個人的生命旅途不一樣，所以你并不可能完全知道別人的感受。
Better – “I can’t begin to understand how you feel”
不如說：“我沒法真正體會你現(xiàn)在的感受。”
6. Not so good – “You’ll feel better soon。”
不要說：“你馬上就會好的。”
This is a presumptive thing to say and it’s more for your benefit than your friend’s. You wanther to feel better because you hate to see her suffer. Make sure you don’t dismiss her grief。
這是個假設句，實際上是從你的角度出發(fā)而非你的朋友，因為你不想再看到自己的朋友沉浸在痛苦之中，這樣你自己也會好過點。但是別忘了你并沒有減輕她的傷痛。
Better – “I’ll be here for as long as you need me。”
不如說：“只要你需要我，我就會一直在這里。”
7. Not so good – “You should _________。”
不要說：“你應該....。。”
Each person has her own unique path of grief to follow so it isn’t helpful or comforting to make suggestions as to how she should grieve or suggest that she do certain activities to help her feel better。
每個人有著自己處理痛苦的辦法，所以不要給她意見，不要告訴她如何哀悼或應該去做些什么減輕痛苦，這毫無用處。
Better – “Do what you need to do to grieve – I’ll support you however I can”
不如說：“用你自己的方式去哀悼，我會盡我所能支持你。”
8. Not so good – “She wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad。”
不要說：“她也不愿意看到你這么傷心。”
Guilt alert! Saying this, even if it’s true, may make the person feel like they “shouldn’t” be sad and that they aren’t handling the loss “right。”
小心!這句話可能會引起對方的罪惡感。即使這句話是真的，也只會讓別人覺得他們不應該悲傷，他們處理悲傷的方式不對。
Better – “I can see that you are really sad and miss her so much。”
不如說：“我知道你很難過，也十分想念她。”
9. Not so good – “Just stay busy and you’ll be okay。”
不要說：“讓自己忙起來，你馬上就好起來了。”
This is dismissive of the person’s feelings, no matter how good the intention. It is okay to say what worked for you when you experienced grief, but make sure it’s not in the form of a command。
這是對別人感受的一種無視，無論你初衷有多好，當別人悲傷時說這些的確有點用，但記住不要用命令的口吻。
Better – “When I was grieving, staying busy was helpful for me, but that may or may not be what works best for you。”
不如說：“當我難過的時候，讓自己忙起來是個好辦法，但是我不知道對你是否適用。”
10. Not so good – “It’s time for you to get yourself together。”
不要說：“是時候讓自己振作起來了。”
Each person’s path of grief is unique. Maybe it isn’t time for her to get herself together yet。
每個人哀悼的方式都不一樣，所以也許現(xiàn)在并不是讓她收拾感情振作起來的時候。”
Better – “It looks like this is a rough day for you. How about if I bring some dinner over at 6:00?”
不如說：“我知道你今天過得很痛苦，我晚上6點給你帶點晚飯過來吧?”
11. Not so good – “Let me know if I can help。”
不要說：“如果需要我?guī)兔驼f。”
In many instances, the grieving person either doesn’t know what help she needs or it’s too hard to ask for help. Making specific suggestions and then asking her if it would be okay is much more concrete and useful。
在很多情況下，悲痛的人并不知道她需要什么幫助，或者對她而言尋求幫助很難。給一些具體的建議，問問她這樣行不行，也許會更加實際有效。
Better – “I think it’s garbage day. Is it okay if I take your garbage out for you?”
不如說：“今天是扔垃圾的日子，我?guī)湍惆牙沽税伞?rdquo;
Stick with the “better” things to say to your grieving friend and you’ll not only feel good yourself, but you’ll help her heal as well。
記住那些應該說的話，去安慰你悲痛中的朋友，不僅你自己會感覺更好，你也會幫助她走出傷痛。
