There is a lot of research behind what makes relationships work — and not work. To keep it short, just keep the 5 R’s in mind:

什么能造就美滿的情感關(guān)系?關(guān)于這個(gè)問(wèn)題的研究非常之多。簡(jiǎn)單地說(shuō)，你只要記住以下五個(gè)R開(kāi)頭的單詞：

Right, Real, Rapport, Relate, Review

適量，真實(shí)，交流，相似，回顧

Let’s break them down。

下面讓我們來(lái)仔細(xì)分析下。

1. Fight Right

1. 適量爭(zhēng)吵

You might think it would be great if you could have a relationship with zero arguing. But marriages with no arguments are 35% more likely to divorce。

你也許覺(jué)得沒(méi)有爭(zhēng)吵的情感關(guān)系很棒。可是沒(méi)有爭(zhēng)吵的婚姻離婚的可能性要比適當(dāng)爭(zhēng)吵的夫婦高出35%。

Things need to be worked out and you may need to compromise.You can’t not argue and you can’t fight to the death. You need to fight right。

事情需要被解決，你們也需要互相遷就。你不能避免爭(zhēng)論，也不能爭(zhēng)吵到生命盡頭。吵架要適量。

If you stay compassionate and show you care — even in the midst of a screaming match — you have a better shot at happiness。

如果你保持同情心，并表現(xiàn)出關(guān)心對(duì)方的一面，那么即使兩人都在吼叫，你們也有更大的機(jī)會(huì)收獲幸福。

When couples experience conflict, they are 45 percent less likely to feel pessimistic about their relationship if they can recognize feelings of caring from their partner during the disagreement. – Ebesu Hubbard 2001

夫妻之間吵架時(shí)，如果能夠意識(shí)到對(duì)方對(duì)自己的關(guān)心，他們對(duì)情感關(guān)系的悲觀態(tài)度就會(huì)減少45%。—易北蘇·哈伯德在2001年講道

2. Keep It Real

2. 保持情感的真實(shí)

Do you expect a fairy tale relationship? That’s a prescription for disappointment。

你想要童話般的感情嗎?那會(huì)是失望的開(kāi)始。

Elements of fairy tales such as Cinderella were present in 78 percent of people’s beliefs about romantic love. Those people were more likely to have experienced disillusionment, devastation, and angst in their relationships than were those who gave less credence to fairy tales. – Lockhart 2000

如《灰姑娘》一類的童話元素占據(jù)了78%的人們對(duì)浪漫愛(ài)情的信仰。和不那么相信童話的人們相比，這些人更可能經(jīng)歷情感中的幻滅、破裂和焦慮。——洛克哈特

The modern day equivalent of fairy tales is TV. And as you might expect, watching too much TV is correlated with unsatisfying relationships。

現(xiàn)代生活中，和童話扮演同樣角色的，是電視。正如你所預(yù)期，沉迷于電視和對(duì)情感關(guān)系的不滿意是相關(guān)聯(lián)的。

People who watched an above average amount of television per day were 26 percent less likely to be satisfied with their relationship status than were people who watched a below average amount of television per day. – Hetsroni 2000

那些看電視超過(guò)平均時(shí)間的人對(duì)情感不滿的可能性比其他人高出26%。—海慈羅尼在2000年講道。

It’s all about the bar that’s set for you or the bar you set for yourself. So, as you might imagine, perfectionism does not make for a happy love life either。

是否滿足和生活賦予你的感情標(biāo)準(zhǔn)或者你自己設(shè)定的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)有關(guān)。所以，你可以想象，完美主義也無(wú)法造就幸福的愛(ài)情生活。

People high in perfectionism, a hyperbelief in their own correctness and a desire to find a partner with similar traits, are 33 percent less likely to describe their relationship status as satisfying. – Flett, Hewitt, Shapiro, and Rayman 2002

高度完美主義者，對(duì)自己想法行為有著超乎尋常的信念，渴望找到和有和自己相似特點(diǎn)的伴侶。和其他人相比，這些人對(duì)情感狀態(tài)不滿的可能性高出33%。—弗雷特，海威特，沙皮偌和雷曼在2002年提出

Be realistic about what you can and should expect from a relationship. And realize that things change.A third of the time what attracts you to someone isn’t important to you six months later。

實(shí)際地去考慮你能夠且應(yīng)該從一段感情中期望什么。同時(shí)意識(shí)到：事情會(huì)變的。三分之一的時(shí)間里，某人吸引你的地方，六個(gè)月后，對(duì)你而言已經(jīng)不再重要了。

3. Have Rapport

3. 經(jīng)常交流

Talking, sharing, being open — these are all highly praised, and for good reason. Couples who communicate are 62% more likely to describe their relationship as happy。

交談、分享、打開(kāi)內(nèi)心——都是被高度推崇的，背后的原因也極有道理。保持交流的小兩口，感情美滿的可能性要高出62%。

Expecting your partner to be a mind reader will just make you miserable. Want something? Ask for it。

想要另一半有讀心術(shù)只會(huì)讓你變得可悲。想要什么?講出來(lái)!

Researchers found that those who are more direct in seeking support from their partner are 61 percent more likely to feel they received the support they wanted than are those who avoid explaining their needs. – Fitness 2001

研究人員發(fā)現(xiàn)，需要來(lái)自伴侶的支持時(shí)，和逃避表達(dá)需要的人相比，直接表達(dá)的人更有可能覺(jué)得自己得到了想要的支持。—摘自《健康》2001

If you’re still shopping for a partner, look for someone with good social skills who has maintained friendships for a long time。

如果你還在尋找伴侶，注意那些擅長(zhǎng)社交、長(zhǎng)久地維持友誼的人。

People with strong social skills, including an ability to maintain long-term friendships, were 32 percent more likely to be satisfied with their relationship. – Flora and Segrin 1999

社交能力強(qiáng)的人，包括有能力維持長(zhǎng)久友誼的，有32%更高的可能性會(huì)對(duì)自己的情感關(guān)系滿意。—弗勞拉和塞格林于1999年提出

More laughing means less fighting。

多點(diǎn)幽默歡樂(lè)，吵架就少了。

When both partners in a relationship thought the other had a good sense of humor, 67 percent less conflict was reported than in couples where neither thought the other had a good sense of humor. – De Koning and Weiss 2002

據(jù)報(bào)道，當(dāng)伴侶雙方都認(rèn)為另一半有幽默感時(shí)，他們比起那些認(rèn)為對(duì)方一點(diǎn)也不幽默的夫婦爭(zhēng)執(zhí)減少了67%。——德·克寧和維斯在2002年提出

Want your marriage to last more than 30 years? Just “being married” isn’t enough: you also need to be good friends。

想要婚姻長(zhǎng)過(guò)30年?只是“結(jié)婚”并不夠：你們也要成為好朋友。

In studies of people happily married more than three decades, the quality of friendship between the partners was the single most frequently cited factor in the relationships’ success. – Bachand and Caron 2001

研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，夫婦之間的深厚友誼被視為超過(guò)30年美滿婚姻的唯一最常見(jiàn)因素。—巴尚和卡隆在2001年講道。

4. Relate

4. 兩人有共同點(diǎn)

Opposites do not attract. Couples that are similar do much better. Pairs that lasted longer than five years usually had a number of interests in common。

對(duì)立的兩人不會(huì)互相吸引。相似的兩人感情會(huì)更好。在一起長(zhǎng)達(dá)五年以上的兩個(gè)人通常有很多共同的興趣。

In comparing couples who remained together more than five years with couples who split up, researchers found that the couples who stayed together were 64 percent more likely to be able to identify multiple shared interests. – Bachand and Caron 2001

研究人員發(fā)現(xiàn)，當(dāng)比較在一起五年以上小兩口和分手的情侶時(shí)，情感長(zhǎng)久的伴侶們發(fā)現(xiàn)雙方多個(gè)共同興趣的可能性高64%。—巴尚和卡隆在2001年講道

Having similar values offers a huge boost in the ability to communicate。

相似的價(jià)值觀能夠極大地促進(jìn)交流。

The degree to which couples have similar values does not change over the course of their relationship. Those with similar values, however, are 22 percent more likely to rate their communication habits positively. – Acitelli, Kenny, and Weiner 2001

伴侶雙方價(jià)值觀的相似程度在相處過(guò)程中是不變的。然而，價(jià)值觀相似的兩個(gè)人有22%更高的可能性會(huì)正面評(píng)價(jià)他們的交流習(xí)慣。——阿塞特利，肯尼和韋納在2001年講道

Believe it or not, even having similar fighting styles was a good thing。

信不信由你——甚至有相似的爭(zhēng)吵風(fēng)格也是好事噢!

It was related to double digit drops in conflict and a double digit increase in satisfaction。

有較多相似之處的夫婦會(huì)讓爭(zhēng)吵降低兩位數(shù)，讓滿意度增加兩位數(shù)噢!

5. Review

5. 不斷回顧和提升

Many people are probably reading this, identifying the good things they already do and feeling smug. Sorry, you can’t stop there. Relationships are not a “check the box and you’re done” kind of thing. You need to keep at it, monitoring and improving。

很多人在讀這篇文章的時(shí)候，看到了他們已經(jīng)做到的好的方面，可能正在飄飄然呢。不好意思，這些還不夠!感情不是“給答題框打個(gè)勾就搞定”的事情。你需要保持下去，悉心經(jīng)營(yíng)，同時(shí)不斷提升。

Plenty of research shows that conscientiousness is a great quality to have in a spouse or partner. Having a partner who is consistently reliable often means a healthy relationship with less conflict。

諸多研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，盡責(zé)是一個(gè)伴侶身上非常優(yōu)秀的品質(zhì)。有一個(gè)總是可以信任的伴侶意味著一個(gè)健康的情感關(guān)系和更少的爭(zhēng)吵。

People who consider their partner conscientious, a person who consistently does what they say they are going to do, were 26 percent more likely to rate their relationship healthy and reported 41 percent less conflict in their relationship. Dependability was rated among the most desired qualities in a partner. – Watson, Hubbard, and Wiese 2000

認(rèn)為伴侶可信且總是說(shuō)到做到的人，有26%更高的可能性認(rèn)為自己有著健康的情感關(guān)系，雙方相處中的爭(zhēng)吵也少了41%。——沃森，哈伯德和維澤在2000年提出

One More Thing

最后一點(diǎn)

Never forget that, in the end, all relationships are about feelings. Especially when fighting, we get caught up in the facts, the details, the words… And what’s funny is little of that ends up mattering。

永遠(yuǎn)別忘了，最終，所有的感情都和感覺(jué)有關(guān)。尤其在爭(zhēng)吵時(shí)，我們深陷于事實(shí)，細(xì)節(jié)和話語(yǔ)之中…滑稽的是，最終這些都無(wú)關(guān)緊要。

When surveyed about their arguments, people mentioned feelings and tone ten times as much as the topic of debate. 25% of people couldn’t even remember what the argument was about — but they all remembered how it made them feel。

對(duì)伴侶間的爭(zhēng)吵進(jìn)行調(diào)研時(shí)，人們提到當(dāng)時(shí)的感覺(jué)和語(yǔ)氣比提及爭(zhēng)論的話題多出10倍。25%的人甚至不記得當(dāng)初為何爭(zhēng)吵—但他們都記得當(dāng)時(shí)自己的感覺(jué)。

As Maya Angelou once said: People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel。

如瑪雅·安吉羅曾講過(guò)的：人們會(huì)忘記你說(shuō)過(guò)的話，會(huì)忘記你做過(guò)的事，卻永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)忘記你帶給他們的感覺(jué)。